I have to tell Carol about that

It has been over 20 months since the ambulance came and took my wife away for the last time. Even after that long, it amazes me that I still see or hear things that I think to myself - "oh man, I have to tell Carol (my wife's name) about that. A former boss, friend, and somewhat of a mentor of mine passed away late last year. I just heard about it within the past weeks. The first thing I thought of when I heard was telling my wife, and how amazed she would be.

My wife was from South Florida (by way of the Pittsburgh area, but from age 4 a Florida girl), the Ft. Lauderdale area to be exact. We made many, many trips from N.C. (where I am from, and where we lived as a couple for most of our marriage) to the Ft. Lauderdale area over the years. Then as her mother and a daughter of ours moved to Central Florida - to I-4 and to the Orlando area. I still make the trips to Central Florida quite often. I am writing this from that area, already my second trip this year.

The reason I bring that up is I am very familiar with the wonderful "Main Street East Coast" - I-95, at least from Richmond, Va to Miami. The first trip I took to Florida as a teenager was before most of I-95 was there. As my wife and I made the trips over the years we saw more and more of the highway being completed until it was done (not counting all construction - that never ends!). I know a lot of the exits, a lot of the scenery, a lot of the attractions. I have regular exits that I frequent on my travels. So, when I see something new and interesting it stands out. But as on today's trip, one of my first thoughts is - "I have to tell Carol about that."

So, Carol - you should have seen what I saw! And, David Moore died in late November.

I guess I'll just keep "telling" her. Miss you.

One Year Ago Today

I am actually writing this before I have a title, which is unusual for me. I cannot think of what to call it. Here we go.

Today is the one year "anniversary" (not a good word to describe, but...) of my wife's death. (as an aside, I have noticed no one seems to use death, or died. or dead when referring to a family member or loved one. Instead they use passed on, passed away, or some even more flowery synonym or euphemism, but that is probably a post for my other blog. My wife died. The use of a euphemism doesn't diminish the pain or the reality. If I offend anyone, go read another blog. But I digress...)
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I have extremely mixed emotions today, none of them really good. Sadness and grief are a big part of it; but to be fair, guilt is still a large part of what I feel. You might be thinking one thing, but let me explain. Just after my wife's death (I was going to write "passing" but after the above it didn't seem real), I was wracked with guilt and remorse over some of the things I wish I had done, or said. I do not really regret many of the things I did do, thankfully; but I do have regrets. It is like the famous quotes:

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable - Sydney J. Harris 

or

When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did. - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.


My wife and I tried to DO as much as we could in the years after her diagnosis. She wanted to go on a cruise with her sister and we did, along with another one a little over a year later. Then we did another one a year and a half later with my youngest daughter. I know she would have rather have done the cruises "whole" and able to partake of more of the activities, but I also know she enjoyed them a LOT. In fact, we might have been better at doing the BIG things (like the cruises, or taking her to Florida) than the smaller things. Those smaller things are what eat at me. It is very sad for me to write this (I will with hope of catharsis), but one of the things she wanted to do was to go to a Russell Stover outlet that is about an hour from here. Now, in the scheme of things, that is not a real difficult request. But, add in the fact of a wheelchair, bathroom issues (see earlier posts), no good wheelchair access at the shopping center the outlet is located in, and my overall exhaustion for most of the time; and it seemed like a HUGE problem to me. I denied her of that trip many times over the months prior to her death. Looking back at it now, I was selfish and foolish. That two hour+ journey might have brought her immeasurable joy for a little effort. There are other regrets similar to that. None big, but that is what makes them so painful.

I wrote some emotional stuff a year ago. Somewhere in there amongst those lines are some words about "doing" and having no regrets. I implore anyone reading this to do what you can if you are faced with a grim future or diagnosis. It actually is pretty good advice for anyone, anytime. I need to heed my own advice, but the healer is always the worst patient.

I will end this with a poem. In the spirit of disclosure, this is actually a one line thing I wrote over forty years ago (before I even met my wife) that I turned into a song for her later. I will not sing for you, but here are the words: (the second verse is chilling to me as I wrote this many, many years ago)

Always will my love for you
remain inside my heart.
No matter where you go
or how long that we're apart.
The promise that I left you with
forever echos in my ears...I'll need you always.

You were gone one lonesome day
and though I'd told myself before
you'd have to leave me soon
you couldn't stay with me much more.
Still I listen for your laugh,
your smile's forever  frozen in my mind...I'll need you always.
                                 "THE"  1971  1982

I cannot envision a time that I will not miss her so very much.
RIP - Carol Condon Poole - 09/30/54 - 05/30/11

Thanks

I wanted to take a moment to thank all the people from around the world that offered their condolences. I greatly appreciate your thoughts and prayers. The pain has been made easier to bear by the kind words.

I am not sure yet what I am going to do with this blog. I will see. If anyone has any questions or thoughts they would like to share or ask, please do so.

My best to any and all afflicted with or affected by this horrible disease (or any of the alphabet diseases).

Again, thanks,

Scott

Laugh, Live, and LOVE

This past week has been a surreal experience. I have had the unfortunate experience to lose many family members over the years including my father, but nothing has been close to this. I have had many, many thoughts - as I have stated here before, I am more "creative" when emotional (as you can see in the previous posts from the past seven days).

Here are some thoughts on life:

Probably the biggest advice/most important thing I can pass along is amost a tired cliche - live every day as it is your (or your loved one's) last day. Although my wife had a terminal illness, I thought we had time to do and say what we wanted. If you have something you have always wanted to do, if there is any way you can do it (or a close substitute) financially - I recommend you DO IT! If there is something you want to say - same advice - SAY IT! Besides the loss of my lifetime companion, things left undone or unsaid are the hardest for me. This is especially true if these things are simple things. You may want to go for ice cream. If you are a caregiver for someone that cannot move well, that can be hard. It is easier to say to yourself (or your loved one) - "We will do that tomorrow". I used to tell my kids (in fact we had a little chant that I bet they remember) - tomorrow never comes. By definition that is true - yesterday's tomorrow is today. So, waiting for tomorrow is fruitless in many ways.

Try to find something to laugh at. This one was probably one of the things that my wife and I did the best. She had a great sense of humor and I and am a reknown idiot. I do remember we laughed at many things last Saturday (her last day conscious). I am very glad for that. Oh, there were days we wept togther as well. I feel that is important too, but laughter is great for everyone involved. Try to find something that can make you laugh, as often as you can.

Involve family and friends. I feel my wife and I left this one a bit short. It was so easy for us to withdraw and just have each other. That is great, but it means two people are trying to "recharge" each other. When you get run down and depressed, that can be impossible. I believe the most important thing you get by contact with people that love you, and you love, is strength. We all need to be recharged with love, faith, and friendship to make it. Our internal "batteries" can only go so long without a charge. Like I said, if both of you are low on "juice" that will not happen. You are running on empty. The first two points above can help recharge to a point, but ultimately you need other people to pull the "power" from. Our kids and family were close, but see point one - everyone thinks there is going to be a tomorrow to visit. If you are the caregiver, remember YOU need recharging. This is probably the area that I was most remiss in. I felt like I needed to be with my wife every moment I could. Don't get me wrong, I am greatful for every minute. But, going back to point one, I wonder if I had stepped away occasionally if I would have had the strength (or drive, or gumption, or whatever) to take my wife out more, even if it was just to ride around. Caregivers, take care of yourself. I know I am not the first to say that by any means, but it is important enough to repeat often.

Tell those you love that you love them - do it often. Then repeat. 'Nuff said.

As a follow up (and maybe conclusion) to the above points I will get personal again. We have had family and friends around all week. We have had food enough to feed small countries. We have cried together and we have laughed together. All of that has been wonderful In fact, I do not know how I would have made it through the week without it. However, my wife (and I) would have LOVED to have the people, the food, and the fellowship when she was alive. If you know someone that is suffering with an illness, especially if they are limited in movement - go see them! If they are family, you are REQUIRED to! Any of the gatherings we have had this week, had they happened last anytime in the previous weeks, would have thrilled my wife (and me) to no end. If you know a family that is going through something like mine just did, take them a meal or a dessert. Drop them a call. Send them a card. Offer to go shopping for them. I am lucky in that I have six children that all live fairly close by and they helped me with this, but we still did not get everyone together and commune like we have this past week. Like I said, my wife would have loved it, as I am sure most people in her condition would have. Make a point to contact them.

Enough for now. I realize I got a bit "preachy". Sorry. I do feel strongly about this for obvious reasons. I hope I can live up to my own words as I go forward.

TEARS

As I wipe my eyes again

I know,

I'll never be the same.

I think I'm done, 

but they can well back up

whenever I hear your name.

Sure

I laugh at things.

But it's more for them than me.

I wonder if life will ever seem

the way it used to be.

Obituary

Carol's obituary -

Carol Poole

Carol J. Condon Poole of Winston-Salem, 56 left her wheelchair behind forever Monday May 30^th after more than five years battling MSA (multiple system atrophy). She departed after a final selfless act of organ donation with her loving family by her side.

Carol was born in Pennsylvania to Marlen Condon but grew up a true Florida girl in Plantation, Florida. After graduating from Plantation High School Carol attended Western Carolina University where she met her husband-to-be. After becoming a certified operating room technician at Presbyterian Hospital in Charlotte, N.C., she went on to become a R.N. Carol was retired on disability from Forsyth Medical Center where she worked in the operating room for over ten years. Carol was known at work for her compassion, professionalism, and sense of humor.

After WCU, Scott Poole and Carol were married. On May 16^th they celebrated 38 years together as husband and wife. Carol was a loving mother of six children – Christi Waiters, Kimberly Bowers, David Poole, Stephani Poole, Patrick Poole, and Bailey Poole; and a grandmother to Hannah Byerly, Landon Byerly, and Alyson Bowers, all of the greater Winston-Salem area. She was a doting Mom and Nana to all. Her love as a wife, mother and grandmother was endless.

Carol is survived by her above mentioned family as well as her mother Marlen Condon of The Villages, Florida, and her twin sister Karen Parsons and her family of Summerville, S.C

Carol's life will be celebrated on Thursday June 2^nd at the Regency Ballroom of the Quality Inn & Suites 2008 S. Hawthorne Road. W-S N.C. from 6:30 – 8:30 pm. All that knew her are asked to come and share your memories and listen to others share theirs. Food and beverages will be provided. Dress as you wish.

In lieu of flowers, please send donations to:

Team Carol

c/o Trinity Center

640 Holly Avenue

Winston-Salem, N.C. 27101

Eternal

The essence of someone

is held in the memories

and bound by love

always to remain.

People are eternal

if they are remembered with love.

R.I.P. Carol